the third star to the right, she says.

2011-11-28T02:19:00.000+08:00

I made a new blog. well maybe 2. A tumblr and wordpress.
i made one for my clean slate, at a new school. a tumblr too.

2011-07-14T03:35:00.001+08:00

2011-07-14T02:29:00.001+08:00

you anger me in so many ways that it hurts to be angry.

Free agent.

2011-07-04T00:41:00.000+08:00

I almost forgot how to hurt people for their own good.

Better suited to roam alone, I guess.

Details will be spared, but yes, I'm a free agent now.

Look out world, I'm here to haunt your beds.

Flica.

2011-07-01T03:57:00.000+08:00

Don't tug at my heartstrings,
I may not know how to use them,

but I'd like it if I didn't get hurt this time,

because fear hugs me at all hours of the day.
when i secretly want you in its place.

This is me being sappy.

Azman.

2011-07-01T03:48:00.000+08:00

He was a strange one.
" I did not think of her often , "

Strange mouth, eerie lilt
in the spoken words.

Some days when he goes haunting,
positively frightful.

But oddly, I somehow knew for a fact that
it wasn't in his nature to be frightful.
He just was,

as are we.

-----------------
Azman was a kid that I grew up with. He was a snivelly creepy little thing.
He died a few years ago. Suicide. His single mother had died a few years before he did, and left him with money that he didn't care for. So he squandered it,and let his friends manipulate him into buying them lavish pretty things.

When he ran out of money, so did his "friends".
He was in a strange state of calm. And then he went.

Fuck.You.

2011-06-23T01:30:00.001+08:00

I want to tell you how much I miss you.

I'd also like to tell you how much I want to rip your heart out,

because.

I am in pain, too.

Hello Stranger.

2011-06-03T05:46:00.001+08:00

I've been missing for year.

I apologize.

I will return soon.

Pinky Promise.

oh, I'm sorry. I stole a kiss from you already.

Crash Course into Life?

2010-04-14T09:00:00.002+08:00

I'm afraid to show you how my heart works. But I'm too shy to say that I love you?

How?

But I'd like to show you that I do.

She Changes Your Mind.

2010-03-30T17:41:00.003+08:00

All my hopes were in those eyes.

Without much notice, not even a breath, look or whisper, he's gone.

I know I stopped coming over, and I stopped calling, and I know that I said I hated with every fibre of my being.

But I don't. I don't hate. I don't know how to hate.

And I wish that your days were longer than mine, or you could have stayed here longer with me.

And I'm sorry. I am so sorry I couldn't make it better. I'm sorry I gave up, I know you didn't give up.

I'm sorry I stopped trying. I know I could've maybe changed something.

You were my last beacon of hope. Not the older ones. They couldn't help. They were helpless too, I think, just like me.

But just like you, I wished the same things you did.
Just like you, I wished so hard my heart ached every night, at every thought, and at every mention.

It hurt too much. It still hurts too much. Every time.
And I know you knew this. I'm sorry I didn't stay to help you.

But should you return, maybe things will be different.
But you won't. And that truth,
is what kills the both of us.

Please, please please, know that I loved you.

The Quiet Passes.

2010-03-29T19:26:00.002+08:00

A million hours left to think of you,
now think of that.

I wrote a short story, trying to write about the silent love that passes between 2 lovers, and people tell me that I achieved the mood I was searching for.

But, I feel detached. Because, I think I can go further, tell more, express more, imagine more.

feel more.

but I don't. And I just realized that I'm torturing myself for the words that are trying to get out of me, but I don't recognize the words.

I only recognize the feeling.

It is...

melancholy.
love.
resignation.
sublime,
relief.

So, how do I transpose that onto paper, and into words, so that you could feel them too?
Listening to this song, does not help me.
It prolongs this feeling of somewhat unwelcomed sadness, and I don't know what to do with it.

I think there's a direct connection between your heart and mine.

Meet Arjuna.( Not mine.)

2010-03-29T18:33:00.001+08:00

This is why I love you.

The Outline of this Heart.

2010-03-25T02:28:00.002+08:00

I sometimes wish that everybody could know just how much this heart can love.

And just how much it loves YOU.

But the World cannot, must not, will not know. Because then it wouldn't be just you and me anymore.

It would be, US.EVERYONE.

go steady with me,
i know it turns you off when i get talking like a teen.

But i do. More than the sum of everything.

Fuck Pro-Malay bullshit.

2010-02-14T02:30:00.002+08:00

for some it would be already known that I now am studying Screen Arts in (deep breath) UiTM, continuing my degree.

before i entered, i was determined not to hate, and to try my absolute damnedest to not draw any judgements on anyone or even anything.

it's my 5th,maybe 6th week. and i have a lot to say,sadly about the institution.

i'm actually a marked student now, by some of the idiots who call themselves adults. their justification for marking me makes perfect sense actually: it is because i ask question in class. and because i speak English.

the other day we were given a quiz, and only me and another guy got the highest score, which weren't really the best grades. we got 5 1/2 out of 10. after class a kid came up to us and said,

" Wah, inilah kita punya top scorers!" Moron.
I shot back,
" Apahal ko cakap tu macam benda tu buruk sangat?!"

he smiled at me sheepishly.

some of the kids here are truly that, kids. and on paper, they are supposed to be much older than me, and supposedly more worldy and mature. i haven't seen that behaviour in anyone.

a classmate told me it's because they see me as a threat. the two socially retarded man-boys that have been targetting me see me as a threat to them. because, as it would seem, i'm more famous, smart and god knows what else.

fact #1:
i don't know anyone! other than the kids i go to lunch with everyday.
fact #2:
i am not smart! that's the reason i'm IN school you dumbfucks.

these people keep talking about the Malay oppression and we should defend ourselves from having our rights taken from us. WHAT THE FLYING FUCK.

you're all fucking brats. you've been mollycoddled and spoonfed all your life. we're charity cases, do you realize that? we shouldn't have any rights, if we were to base the decisions on how we behave and conduct ourselves. What the government break their backs to give to us, we spit it back out to say it's not sweet enough.

The Chinese and the Indians are not better off than us,did you realize this? they bleed sweat to EARN a place in college. and to Work for a decent if not good job, and why, do you ask?for their families. They don't slave themselves 50 hours a week for a new cell phone. That tender they get? that's for their family's future.Not for next month's holiday, or for a downpayment for a new car.

your PTPTN shouldn't be for a trip to Genting la bangang. Mak kau kat rumah, sental baju dengan tangan sendiri sebab tak dapat beli mesin baju. sebab hantar kau pegi uitm, supaya kau boleh belajar tinggi-tinggi. bukan untuk kau cari bohsia. faham? dia hantar kau guna duit dia simpan bertahun-tahun, supaya kau boleh satu hari tolong jaga makan tidur keluarga. tapi tak.

kau turun bandar, ko cabut tudung, cari motor, fail kelas kau. pastu kena repeat paper, ko merengek kat mak kau yang dah penat sebab satu minggu kerja, rehat setengah hari je.

laki pun takde beza. ko turun bandar, ke naik kampung ke, kau cari arak murah kau down benda tu kat lorong. macam budak sekolah baru belajar rokok.

Fuck you lot. in spite of all YOUR shortcomings, you dare look down and sneer at ME?
i'm not a saint, this i very well know. but i don't deny what i am and i don't make excuses for who i am. i accept my truth, and i am trying to change. what about you? how dare you call me a hypocrite? do you even know what that means?

Kaum aku buat aku marah.
Tau tak ketam Melayu itu apa? have you ever seen crabs in a tank? they pull each other down to get a little higher than the rest. tak jauh mana pun. tapi itulah dia. "Adat" Melayu.
you speak of the flaws of our kind, yet you don't talk about how to better our kind.

but when i try to help you, kau panggil aku Melayu Celup, Melayu Murtad. Perli aku, panggil aku "Cicerr." Teacher,Teacher. Fucker. Menguji kesabaran aku. And you have the balls to preach to be about God? fucker, i know you're not a saint, and i know you don't pray either. just because you wear a tudung, i know who diddles you under the stairs after curfew. so don't pass judgement on me just because you THINK you know what kind of person i am.

One of the things that Dr M said that he was truly sad about and deeply distressed about ,was that in the 22years that he served as prime minister, he couldn't change the Malay mindset.

have you heard his speeches in Parliament? i have. i did the research for the documentary that you saw recently. i watched and rewatched the speech he gave on the day he announced his resignation. i watched it three times, and i cried all through three times.

his face was true resignation. he was tired, dissapointed, with himself and with us. because we refused his help,his vision and his dream for us to be a better race. a motivated race. we didn't. we focused on his flaws, and we kept looking for terrible things to say about him.

Why?
because we are Malay, and we cannot stand it when one of us is better off than us. so we pull them down, below us, so that we could feel the temporary victory of being just a little better than somebody else. even when that in itself is not something to be proud of.

kita gahkan benda yang tak patut, yang kita patut malu sebenar-benarnya.

being in this institution, after hearing so many stories from my sister and friends about it, it didn't shock me so much about the stubborn and the decidedly negative pride of Malay mentality, but the attitude of defending that arrogance.

this saddens me a great deal. i took aryana and leysha to the Muallaf screening last wednesday. that morning, nobody said hi to me. they glared,sneered and passed whispers. i was used to that. but when i came that night with the kids, they stared, openly stared and suddenly i had people calling out to me and saying hi.

after the Q &A session, a group from my class pulled leysha to be interviewed. leysha was scared so she asked me to stay with her. a girl from that group looked pointedly at me and said,
"nak tanya soalan sikit je.. BOLEH TAK??"
and didn't even wait for my answer. i was beyond angry.

did she realize she was interrogating a 17 year old? i brought them there, they're my responsibility. they were opportunists, i understood that, but there's a way to get what you want without being a dick. kata orang, nak buat benda, ada budi bicara dia.

maknanya, perangai jangan macam babi.

i'm not generalizing here, i'm only speaking of the ones that i've met. strictly them.

i am sad, and dissapointed that this is the truth about the Malays that i've met. What is sadder, is that they are proud of this behaviour and do not wish to change.

this is the (non)future of my kind.

black and red.

2010-02-09T20:00:00.001+08:00

a small ladybug landed on my laptop, and has been circuiting it for the past hour.

i'm fascinated.It's really pretty. and has a surreally calming effect on me.

Mimmy.

2010-02-09T19:57:00.000+08:00

oaienf mvninthg otiuh.

kamu tahu?

The Midnight Serenade from the Edge of My Pillow.

2010-01-22T01:31:00.002+08:00

This is how my heart looks like when it is happy.

It is speechless.
It's mangled words and emotions.
but.

A wonderful confusion of words and emotions.
It's the look I have when I look down, or stare off into space,
and that small smile on my lips?

That's you.

A million times over.

2010-01-22T01:20:00.002+08:00

Heart brimming, almost bursting.

The sun knows how much I do. So does the moon,
She watches over us,

when we close our eyes.When we end the night with each other.

This is no haiku.
It's just me loving you.

I'll Watch Terrible Films with YOU.

2010-01-10T20:17:00.002+08:00

I want to talk music with you.
Talk incessantly about films with you, and dream about what we can achieve, for the industry.
We. As a team.

A tag team.

I want to watch your eyes light up when you tell me what your plans are for your music.

Because it's how I love you.

Take My Advice.

2010-01-04T00:28:00.002+08:00

Do not poke your head into things you KNOW will rip your heart into shreds.

Start talking.

2009-12-24T02:16:00.002+08:00

i LOVE the way this is starting.

but we'll see how the weekend ends.

Sexy's band played last weekend.

proof as above. I love that one.

A Midnight Letter to Myself.

2009-12-16T02:42:00.002+08:00

No. My heart is NOT a tangled mess.

But.

I will continue this letter tomorrow, as I have just realized that it is 3 in the morning.

Even though I am a night-owl.
Even though I have things that I can easily get done right now.
Even though I have a body clock that is ALREADY fucked.

I will ATTEMPT to fix it.

because,unfotunately, I need to see people outside my home, and at a humane hour.

Or I will go insane.

Goodnight, Toronto.

Jitters In My Pants.

2009-12-16T02:21:00.004+08:00

I'm dreading my upcoming birthday.

Can we fast forward to AFTER my birthday?

It isn't that I'm terrified of turning 21. To be honest, I don't really care about it. I just want to skip the forced formality of DOING something special for the occasion.

I've always liked quiet birthdays, but I've been fortunate enough to have gotten wonderful birthday surprises from my family and friends.

Is it alright that I want to skip the actual celebration? I have no idea what to do, let alone what I want for my birthday.

Sexy got me the Sainthood album from Tegan and Sara. LOVE.

Is it alright that I don't know what I want?

Toys R' Us.

2009-12-14T20:17:00.001+08:00

Will my heart be gone from you tomorrow?

We Stay the Same.

2009-12-14T14:02:00.002+08:00

Unfortunately
We can't live forever.
We weren't born to see everything.

But we were made to fit each other
like seemingly random jigsaw puzzles
and beautiful answers
to long-winded riddles.

I was made to fit you.
You were built to match me.
We look just like people.
Only in love.

OH Santa.

2009-12-11T23:36:00.003+08:00

Wishlist Item No. 1.

Baby,please.

2009-12-10T18:10:00.001+08:00

Talk to me.Say something. Anything.

I can't lose you.

You're my heart,after all.

How will I live without you,my heart?

Hermit.

2009-12-10T18:00:00.003+08:00

I'm going to be a hermit for awhile. Because I need to.

I'll probably only update my Twitter for awhile too.

Sentences that start with "I" annoy me. I anger myself.

Why is she quiet? Because she's trying to listen to her heart,see if it'll speak to her again.

I Hear Them Bells.

2009-12-09T19:30:00.002+08:00

Christmas is near. My birthday is near. I'm terrified shitless.

Me no like.
Happy Holidays, lovers.

Exploding Into Thin Air.

2009-12-03T17:39:00.001+08:00

If this is how you're like when you're loving me,
then I'm terrified to find out how I'm loving you.

What do I do with this thought of you?

The First Day of My Life.

2009-11-26T17:05:00.000+08:00

I'm glad I didn't die before I met you.

pictures in the sky.

2009-11-04T15:44:00.003+08:00

it catches you off guard.

and it takes your breath away.

beautiful.

it's a good feeling, this one.

Smek.I am yours.

2009-11-04T02:24:00.003+08:00

He owns this heart. Without actually knowing it.

for all the guitars in the world.

2009-10-30T02:18:00.003+08:00

..if I didn’t know the you that I know now, I wouldn’t have these butterflies that seem forever permanent in my stomach and in my gut. And that would be a crying shame, because the world would miss out on such a great feeling.

there are times when this feeling that i have for you, becomes an out of body experience, and then suddenly i'm no longer the only one feeling it.

it reaches you,too. and i no longer have the words to explain it, or express it, and i'm using hand gestures and photos and sounds to try to have you where i'm feeling right now.

it's beyond wonderful,and indescribably breathtaking. and this, is what they call happiness? they lied.

it's MORE than they warned us about.

the explosion in my heart and in my hand when you touch me.

can i have it with me, wherever i go?thank you.

secret mental notes.

2009-10-29T04:03:00.002+08:00

on top of my To Do List is you.

part-time watch guard.

2009-10-29T03:49:00.002+08:00

the moment when everything becomes one,

and when One becomes everything else.

your heart is complete.

so quietly,she weeps.

2009-10-29T01:09:00.003+08:00

and there were many songs, song after song she sings,

and there were many more tears.

maybe i will one day grow into you ,and we grow into each other.

sleep now, love.

before each heartbeat, i steal a little bit of you for me to keep in my pocket, to warm my nights when i don't have you beside me.

the storyteller that i'm not.

2009-10-29T00:02:00.004+08:00

will I wake to find you waiting by my bedside?

what now?

i am forever fascinated by you, the you that stole my attention from every other person within my line of sight.and it is you that takes a semi-permanent residence in my mind, and i wonder if i should worry about signing over that lease to you.ignored the words and trains of thought in my head. until now i'm not entirely sure what exactly i was or am afraid of.

i worry. for you,and for me. but you dull my worries. now isn't that ironic?

i'm always trying to run run run away

and i worry that i will lose what i had for the longest time, and i would only realize this 5 months too late. the lilting voice inside my head is the devil,i promise you. she whispers and weaves stories to send my heart into turmoil, and she almost always succeeds.and that is when i do stupid things to wreck my heart and consequently, my life.

but her words keep me on my toes, and she keeps me sane.

and i love her.i do.

easily distracted,and easily won over.

tonight, today,tomorrow.

her.and i. we.us.

it may be bit too much one day.

i really don't want that day to come. but it will.

i'm not ready for it.

this is you,beautiful.

2009-10-28T23:49:00.003+08:00

can i please whisper this in your ear?

artwork by nini.

the forever kind.

2009-10-27T13:25:00.002+08:00

i want to play the churen maraccas. the ones i got from Cash Converters for 2.50 a pop. they're the BOMB.

Tonight Sexy is playing at Groovejunction with the Kazen.

Am bursting with bangga-ness.

Eliani. oh nooo.

2009-10-27T00:31:00.002+08:00

she guffaws.too loudly. then she says conspiratorially, " I need to control my.. MUSIC".

"eh. my volume! " then she guffaws louder.

Azim and the Arts School.

2009-10-23T05:39:00.004+08:00

i followed Sexy and the band to meet a friend who we're going to borrow a drum set from. and we left the place, with a newfound friend, the forever kind.

i will post his photo later. he.is.AWESOME.

edit//
meet azim/cik ikan/mike.

leaving for the Johor roadshow today after lunch. just left Sexy, when she went to work. Why do i work weekends again? oh right. i'm cheap labor for production work.

mom and i went to uitm to send in an appeal letter,and found ourselves in the Dean's office 5 minutes later. the next 5 minutes, saw me in the interview room, being interviewed by the Arts faculty's Head.

it was a really fun interview. i love talking about my goals and ambitions about the local film industry, and they seemed to not look too bored, so i hope they had fun listening to me gab for 15 minutes nonstop.

on the other hand, i don't know if i want to get in uitm or not. it's not that i despise... okay, i despise the thought of ME in uitm. i don't despise the institution,really. it's fine. i just don't know about me being IN uitm.

i want to apply to aswara. it's more liberal, and it's got less constraints. i'm not sure what i mean by that.

i'm going to sleep. i've been out running errands, going to meetings and handling Sexy's business.

no, don't think that way. it really IS business.

(kinda.sorta.maybe.)

oh my starry-eyed surprise.

2009-10-20T12:42:00.003+08:00

had my MUET speaking test this morning.

and Freddy the tapeworm decides to be unhappy the same morning. he refused to behave. by 1145am, i had made 6 toilet trips.

not fun.

i'm going to take a nap.sees yous afters.

you so fly.

2009-10-19T12:05:00.002+08:00

i went rock climbing last night, and i lost a good deal of the first layer of skin on most of my fingers.

but was fun.

this week was hectic, it went by too fast. too many things going on.and by right, i'm only working on weekends.

mom is upset that she hasnt seen me in 4 days. i wasnt home. i can't explain why i've been 'avoiding' her.

or maybe i can.

i am sore all over ,and i've got lacerations in places where it shouldn't be.

YES 2009.

2009-10-14T21:36:00.006+08:00

who knows about the Youth Engagement Summit (YES) 2009 happening next month?

did you know who the line-up of speakers are?

Live Aid founder Sir Bob Geldof.

Bollywood star Amitabh Bachchan.

World chess legend Garry Kasparov.

online network Twitter co-founder Biz Stone.

AirAsia chief executive officer Datuk Seri Tony Fernandes.

Facebook market development director Randi Zuckerberg.

former World Bank managing director Dr Mamphele Ramphele.

the sole survivor of the tragic 1972 Andes airplane crash Nando Parado who the became the basis for the critically acclaimed movie Alive.

i'm looking for kids who are intelligent, opinionated people to talk about change. Basically what kind of change would they like to see in their own lives, community or country. They can send a message to the leaders of the world.

i need young people who like to stand out and be vocal about what needs to be changed.

i need chatterboxes, basically. who are passionate about talking and wanting to see that change.i need 'activists', so to speak.

if you want to be a part of this, be one of the chatterboxes,tell me. i'll hook you up. talk about change that you want. for yourself. for your family. for your country.talk.

i'm going to shoot the video this weekend. Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

i need as many speakers as i can inhale in this short amount of time.

i need you.

YOU.

media coverage here.
and here. and here.
and here.
oh and here too.

living room.

2009-10-13T15:26:00.001+08:00

i'm in way over my head with this new indie film job.

no other way.

2009-10-13T02:34:00.002+08:00

"i don't want you. i need you."

surely there's a way to control this need for you.i'm sure there is.

there has to be.

otherwise, i'm precariously close to losing my mind everytime i have to leave you.

you have me.know that.even if i don't say it.

you have me.

this is it.

2009-10-13T02:10:00.003+08:00

There is nothing behind us, and nothing in front.

THIS is it. don't turn around. don't squint into the horizon.

THIS is it. right here.right now.

THIS is it.You. and Me.

THIS is it.with your hand in mine.and my heart intertwined with yours.

My destiny and my fate laced with yours.

THIS is it.We are absolute. We are ours.

WE are it.

tongue-tied.

2009-10-13T01:06:00.003+08:00

somebody create a mute button for the voice inside my head.

coming up easy.

2009-10-09T04:33:00.002+08:00

Yana got me the rubber bracelets from Melbourne!!!

oh god you have no idea how much i love you right now. i'm sorry i squealed a little too loud in the middle of the night and in the middle of your house... but i FUCKING LOVE YOU.

i'm going to Senawang this weekend, to hit up 'em Senawang girlies.

i need a new shirt. to flirt. i'm lovin' my new tagline.

i have a too active social life, i bum on weekdays, and work on saturdays and half of sundays.

i'm bored out of my mind. even though i just got moolah.
even though i have things to buy.
even though i have bills to pay.
even though i have friends that i need to visit.

can't bring myself round to do any of that.

the reason is not known, and not sought.

but i do need a new sexy shirt to flirt.

and a new haircut. i WILL cut my hair again.

the roadshows are hardly stressful, yet i find myself doing things that i used to do when i had anxiety attacks and when my stress levels were high. but right now, what have i got to be stressed about?

Sexy is going to play at No Black Tie in Novemeber.

Am soo proud.

all the way down.

2009-10-07T14:35:00.001+08:00

how do words travel from me to you,
if my words die in my mouth on its way
to you, the intended?

disco-nnect.

2009-10-05T23:56:00.003+08:00

see, it's a very very dangerous thing, when you find yourself constantly thinking about that person, and then discover that, miraculously, they've been doing the exact same thing.

it means, or it could mean, that love is in the picture. or obsession.

you know that plug that connects the CPU to the wall socket? imagine you have one cable for your heart.

i have a cable for my heart, i know what it looks like, and i know where my wall socket is.
.
.
.
except, it's not connected to my heart.
only when i'm with this somebody, then it's automatically connected. or rather, that person, plugs the cable in. and when i leave that person, the cable gets pulled out quietly. and i become dead/mute/bored/restless/aimless again.

does this mean, THAT?

rindu mode: ON.

2009-10-05T21:57:00.004+08:00

how's it hangin', friday?

2009-10-02T18:08:00.002+08:00

it's Friday,pumpkin!

I haven't gone out in 3 days. I went out only twice, to go to a briefing for the roadshow that i'm on that starts this weekend.

I'm looking for girls who want to be on a new Sunsilk TV show. Interested? Call me if u want details about the auditions or the roadshows. or If you just want to flirt with me. That works too. :)

My phone number? 012 645 5113.shh...diam.

Tomorrow's the first stop, at GIANT Kota Damansara, at 10am. till 6pm.

I need girls. You got girls? I need 'em.Yeah,all of 'em. 'specially girls who got legs and/or hair like her :

NOTe//

sneakers are optional.

Bah.I sound like i'm talking to pimps.

James Dean.

2009-10-02T01:26:00.002+08:00

i watched the second half of Rebel Without a Cause last night, and there was this part where Jim (James Dean) was sitting next to d Judy ( Natalie Wood ), and he pulls his earlobe.

Sexy does it too, when she's sleepy.

i find that this bit of information, amusing.

and darling.

2009-10-02T00:43:00.003+08:00

good night,toronto.

bad kamasutra.

2009-10-01T15:55:00.003+08:00

can anybody get me Little Red's album? it's in Melbourne though. would you fly down there to get me a copy of their CD? i'm such a moron to not get it while i was there. fuck fuck fuck.

please.

2009-09-29T05:01:00.002+08:00

take my heart. i don't know how to do this, but i do know this:

you own my heart. and that feels most right to me,if anything else fails me.

but you owning my heart?

that feels just right.

amore.

2009-09-29T04:56:00.003+08:00

beauty are the eyes that i behold.
- Tengku Idris al-Ariff.

if you're love was all i had
in this life,

then that would be enough
until the end of time.
-J Timberlake.

i think, this heart was made, exclusively for you. as i understand it, it's a limited edition, and one of a kind.
-L Jamili.

dear heart.

2009-09-29T04:53:00.000+08:00

you are what i think God had in mind to embody the meaning of love.

maaf zahir dan batin.dari hati.

2009-09-26T17:39:00.003+08:00

you are the promise that i can't keep,
and i am the lie that came true.

i'm sorry, i've been such a terrible friend. i tried to stop it from coming true, but it happened anyway. and i am ashamed, and i feel like shit that it happened.

TBTB.

2009-09-18T00:33:00.003+08:00

at the risk of sounding very psycho stalker ish, this is the reason for TBTB. we live for this one. she is the purpose for our existence. scared?

i just woke up. it's 12am, and i woke up from a food coma. i've been having food coma a lot, usually promptly after buka. and i'm not even fasting.

i'm going to Redang for Raya, jeahhh. with the Mammy, Bro and Sistah. the place looks killer awesome.

i'm taking Sistah to watch Sexy perform tomorrow night. i can't wait. i missed her so much, and plus, it'd be great time to bond with her. i haven't taken her out in ages, and i wna see what she thinks of Sexy and the band.

Mammy, i found out from Sistah, is slightly hurt that i didn't introduce my new friends to her. see, i would love to introduce her to my new friends, it's just that it'd be a little tricky as to explain WHERE i met them.

Mammy: so where did u meet them?
me:oh, i met them at a party.
Mammy: what kind of party"
me: oh a pool party in kl.
Mammy: really? what kind of pool party?
me: i don't know, some kind of pool party. i just went to watch my new friend perform.

i can't really tell my Mammy i went to a gay pride pool party. that would be...... well, i can just tell her that i went cause i was curious, but then she'd probably ask me "What else have you been curious about??". i'm curious about everything, literally. but i can't tell her that.

on another note, Bro and Sistah have met Sexy.

i'm gonna get some sneaks. you will hate me, for they will be AWESOME.

do u find neon green nails a turn-on?i do.

Mariah Carey.

2009-09-17T03:03:00.002+08:00

us. with new haircuts. Shane and i look gay, and Miriam looks straight. at least, that's our new official statement.

last week i went to Langkawi. totally impromptu, and we left monday morning. we decided on sunday afternoon. went for a week. Miriam's Italian friends came down to visit her, so we took them to Langkawi for some awesome sun-lovin. they paid for everything. twas, amazing. i learned some Italian,too.

penso che e gay?

i came back with sore legs and a tan that didn't stay on me.

i think after this haircut, i'm gonna grow it out, leave it a little long. i think i've given my mom enough panic attacks about her daughter's queer behaviour. i'll look straight for the remainder of the year. maybe.we'll see.

i am now part of TBTB. we are a tribute band to somebody we are truly,(but not so secretly) obsessed about. we are currently working on a song to be performed at Lepaq this coming Friday. don't come. it's embarassing. we really ARE obsessed.

i've been seeing Sexy almost everyday, and Miriam's lesson 202 keeps ringing in my head. does that lesson still apply if we hang out with our friends? virtually all the time?

i miss so many people,it's crazy. i drive myself insane with all this missing people business. susah sayang orang.

my sister's home, and i can't believe how much i've missed her until we sat down to break fast, and we started bantering about food. my heart is back, and intact!

this raya's a lot different from past years. Eia wasn't home for most of puasa, and i wasn't home for the first 2 weeks, and we didn't have nasi goreng fr sahur every day, and we didn't make our prerequisite popiah goreng and/or mee hailam for buka. and we didn't spruce up the house. nobody's in the raya mode.

i personally hate raya. but i love puasa month. i can't really fully explain it, but during puasa month, i feel more calm, and at peace with myself. it's a really good feeling.

oh oh oh i finally found somebody who BELIEVES that i am shy. shun the non-believers. shhuuuhhnnn.so y'all can suck on that.hah.

i study myself a lot. i find that a little off.

does anybody know the song for the video, back in the 90s, of Mariah Carey singing on a rollercoaster?

tegan is back.

2009-09-05T20:22:00.003+08:00

sort of. i cut my hair again. real short. much shorter than last time. Sexy likes it. never stops touching it.

i don't have a photo of the new hair yet, too lazy. went to get the haircut in Cyberjaya, with Surf's stylist. now Surf and I have somewhat similar haircuts, and Skillz looks straight.

bahahaha.

eli.

2009-08-30T11:16:00.000+08:00

i will blog soon. i promise. right now i have to scrub off some idiot aura off of me.

breathe.

2009-08-21T03:23:00.002+08:00

I have shoot next week. Yes! i'm going to be spending 6 shoot days with Yana, the love of my life, and i can't wait. Pay is decent, and i have shoot next week!

i miss production so much.

i miss being a workaholic. i miss losing sleep for shoot days. i miss eating crap mamak food 5 times a day on set. i miss going home at 5am in the morning, yawning to keep myself awake at the wheel.

i miss running around, doing what i love: work.

today i spent 5 hours in front of a neanderthal-like computer, editing 23photos on Photoshop. fuck XP. bitch, we're on Vista now. i wasted 5 hours on your techie ass. Good thing Brian the graphics guy let me use his workstation which works like a dream.....

Brian is my new hero. He reads 'idN' magazines, and he wears stripe berets. he has cool white canvas unlabeled sneakers, so that's up 5 points in my books.

after work i rushed to where Skillz and Surf was, for the Yasmin Ahmad and Michael Jackson tribute. it was good. those who came got a 'Talentime' manuscript as a token. i got one. i haven't read it yet. i'm sort of afraid to. i feel like i'd be reading somebody's diary.

i haven't written/ worked on my script in recent weeks, i've hit another mental block. i don't know where to steer my story. but i've got my characters.

i was introduced as Wingman today. i feel cool,for all of 2 seconds, because it only lasted 2 seconds before i realized that the girl i was introduced to was introduced as Ali G.

meh.

i passed on an ambulance ride tonight. it's raining. the paramedic i know, i don't really feel comforted by her driving that thing. she's fun, when properly inebriated. but i'm officially wary of paramedics now that i have an insight as to what they do when they're on duty. it's very fascinating,actually.

Yon the Paramedic.

i am wingman.

2009-08-20T02:15:00.003+08:00

today my jocks went without me. to a date, and a shisha session and a lepak session without me. i am sad. it's so surreal that i've only met my jocks 2 weeks ago, and we've become this tight.i see them every other day.

and Skillz is leaving in a month, and i'm already dreading it. Surf, well, he's got his girl. it'd be different once Skillz leave. she's gonna be gone for 2 years. damn. i get used to people too fast.

i'm on to lesson 606 : in correlation to lesson 505, you will fuck your confidante.

i kid you not. this is what Skillz taught me.PLU classes get more complicated now.

stay still, just for a little bit.

2009-08-19T03:21:00.002+08:00

can you hear it? change is coming.

are you ready for it? are you ready to do adult things, to grow up? to give up on your childhood ideals and do what the rest of the world is doing? grow up? get a stable job? work at a desk, with your own little stapler and in/out paper trays?

i'm not ready to give up my dreams.i'm forced to. i'm forced to wear a uniform, and come in at 8 in the morning.

at least, i'm forced to apply for job that demands that of me.

in truth, the idealistic me opposes this with great force. but the realistic me demands this of me.i need to survive.
i need to join the corporate world. fuck.

as much as i hate it, i need to do this. i need to make sure that i get this job.

i love production, and i love the film industry, but what i love doesn't help me pay for shit to survive.

there's so much that i want to do, but i can't do that right now. i need to be somebody before i can change anything. and there's so much to do.

we have potential to be great.we have TOO much potential to be great. so why aren't we?

homewrecker?

2009-08-19T02:14:00.002+08:00

why do my friends' boyfriend/girlfriend think i'm hitting on my friends? do i really look like i want him/her? i'm officially pissed off. i don't want him.or her. shit, i don't date my friends. i don't date. i don't know how to date.

nor do i know how to flirt, and/or seduce. despite popular belief, i AM a nerd. i stay home and bum. and do the occasional video editing.i don't game on anyone's chick or guy. i don't know how to do that and i don't want to know how to do that.

it isn't funny. scamming on someone else's chick is not funny. making a joke about me scamming on your girl or guy is not hilarious. it's happened so many times it refuses to be amusing anymore. i'm just a friend. i'm the friend. that's all i am. i regard my friends as sexless,so you see,i don't think them in a dateable way at all. because it defies all rules of friendship if you think about sexing up your best friend.

unless your girl or guy BECOMES your best friend. then the sexing up is cool. it's more than cool,but we'll not get into that right now.

or unless you become friends for the purpose of sexing up, then that's a different story too. but you see, if there's that ulterior motive in the beginning, then that makes all the difference in the world. then the friendship can lead up to the sexing up, and then all the more fun for the both of you. i'm happy for you two rabbits.

but i don't make friends for that purpose. i make and keep friends that are good company and great conversationalists. i don't make and keep friends to screw. i don't even screw. so, my friends' chick or guy, you can throw that stupid theory out the window. i don't want him/her.

i'm peeved. do i behave in a certain way that makes my friend's significant other uncomfortable? should i keep away from my friends so that they don't argue about me scamming on my friends? am i too friendly to them? or affectionate, however rare that occasion is?but see, i'm only affectionate to my girls. my guys, we're close, but on a different level. i hug only 4 guys, affectionately. that hardly counts as me being a homewrecker,right?

but time and time again, i find myself in a position where my friends get into fights with their significant others over why i'm so close to my friends. and i end up having to remember play by plays, and alibis and lies and i'm terrified of fucking any of it up because there's so much to remember.

is it really too much hassle being friends with me when you're dating someone? i don't know, but it seems like it.

and that's the saddest thing i've come to realize in the longest while.

why do we cry.

2009-08-19T01:56:00.004+08:00

why do we sing
why do we cry
why do we fight
why do we lie

same reason we scream
same reason we breathe.

the exact same reason why we fall in love and why we fall out of it.
it's also the reason we serve our hearts on a platter and write our names on the night sky.

it is also the drive and cause for all the newborn hope and the fervent wishes for a new beginning and the forgiving ending.

it's the ambition to lead the jaded out of their world-weary haze and the cynical out of their people-wary doubts.

this is the fight.
this is the war.
we will win this.
because there's just no room
for pain and heartbreak
for anyone tonight.

-pulled and explored from Rashdan Harith's Why do We Cry.

Nna sexy short hair.

2009-08-17T01:21:00.003+08:00

i just realized Nna sexy short hair read my blog and and linked me. god you are too sweet. she says i'm cool.ho yeah. Suck it, Ryan. haha

have you ever called the Hotlink customer careline? i swear, i thought was calling an actual person. the Hi that she gave me was beyond husky. sexy teramat, that's it's not even funny.it's the kind of Hi, that you give when you're about to do phone sex.not that i've ever done it before. i wouldn't know.but yeah. if i did know, then that would be what a pre-phone sex Hi would sound like. i swear. call the careline, and just listen to the automatic prerecorded message. that hello should not be legal. honest.

Kawan is coming over in a little while, to pass me a souvenir tshirt from bangkok/singapore/somewhere i forgot where and a hoodie that came all the way from the Land of the Senget, Toronto,Canada.

i haven't seen him and hung out with him in awhile, so it's due time that we did.

Miriam and Shane are at Gala Night, and what follows next is the After Party, where Miriam aka Skillz makes her move in on Coffee Face Baddie. Skillz woke me up at 7pm,and asked how marriage life was. i asked her how's the Lympics. she said she's with Shane, shisha-ing. our conversations are heavily distorted.

I missed out on almost all big events happening this weekend, and i don't have a solid justification for it. just that i have no mood for any of it, despite all the ravings prior to said events and happenings.

Tommorow/later, i'm FINALLY going to Sri Damansara to see Yana and run that blasted errand. which was supposed to be accomplished back in January. Yes, i procrastinate. woo-hoo.

Sexy, you left 2 things with me: your ID, and a mark. ask me where.

Siput came over after splashing around in Sunway Lagoon, and left after about spending 10minutes with me. i can't believe how easily i miss her.

hello monday.

2009-08-17T01:14:00.003+08:00

how was everybody's weekend?

Shisha with Miriam.

2009-08-14T14:23:00.002+08:00

Do not go shisha with Miriam. damn woman has this lethal combo down to a science. we shared a shisha bong thingy at hartamas square just the two of us, and after a few hits, we were both buzzing, and high. see, nobody needs alco. they just need Miriam's lethal shisha combo. she won't tell me what it is. kedekut. now i can't avoid it.

Went to the play again, which finished earlier than the night before,and Miriam scored. big time. the rest of the night saw her face, red. either from the cheap alco that she says she's allergic to or it could be from the buzz that Coffee Face gave her.

I'm supposed to go get the World Stage tickets, but Eia hasn't gotten back to me about who,where and when i'm supposed to get it from. and apparently i have only till 4 pm to do so.

i'm positively(or unpositively) broke. i doubt i'm going out tonight. but a few interesting things should be happening tonight. but i won't go to LQ with Rikh. i can't even afford a cab there. sorry, but maybe another Friday.

a friend passed away 3 days ago. it feels so surreal. today is his funeral, but i don't know yet where is it going to be held, so i'm on standby for now. he died of a heart attack. i'm still reeling from the news.

Yana didn't call me back, and i'm officially worried. called and texted and still no answer. contemplating gatecrashing. but i don't even have enough money to go see her.

Sexy is playing tonight, but Miriam reminded me of lesson 202. hahahaha. i had a crash course in PLU. it was.... very educational. i'm on lesson 505. i'm a fast learner.

Shane n Miriam were relentless the whole night, but was all in good fun. Miriam is now Skillz, Millie is Millipede, Sexy is now Fingers, no names for the rest yet. Miriam wants to call me Cheeks. hahaha

Azzam, ada time la kwan. kamu laa. turun tak reti call. :)

Pick Up Lines.

2009-08-13T16:27:00.002+08:00

mental images of what could be are hazardous to your mental health. all that fervent wishing is never good on you. you might actually get sick from all the hoping.

Miriam, my new friend, and i are officially stalkers. i'm going to be her wingman tonight,again, to watch a play that we ALREADY watched yesterday. freak. well, whatever makes her happy. and that would be the rogue baddie toting the plastic gun.and washboard abs.

what makes me happy is coming to see me after the play. i can't wait. Shane thought i said sexcited.

Rikhman and i are apparently going to LQ on friday night. whatever the fuck that is. tommorow night, my happy pill is busy friday night, so i don't know to play wingman again, or....ah fuck. the girls are doing Murni friday night too. shit. why must you people be free at the exact same time?bah.

Saturday in itself is a headache, and i don't know where to begin to try and fix things. i'm half-considering just forgetting about the whole thing and stay home. fuck you aalia.bah.

Jannah is quiet, and i am worried. dear heart, you have been still for far too long. i'm calling the cops.

Shisha with a lovestruck Miriam in a while.This should be interesting.

Shane.

2009-08-12T03:35:00.003+08:00

i'm being harassed by Shane. babi. buat otak lagi huru-hara. haih.i have nut friends. all telling me go for it. and somehow, all have forgotten how shy and timid i am, in real life.fuckers. panggil diri kawan baik. babi. sigh.

Yaz is being bitchy. about virgins. random note.

sexy,good morning. maybe i'll see you later, if you're going to watch the play with Shane. because i think i'll be joining him, after coming back from sri damansara tomorrow. i'm finally going to run that errand that you thought i made up. :)

siput, luck with all the 'wonderful academic activities the course has lined up for you'. i can't stop laughing. hahaha

it seems that lately,this space is always used as a notice board. fascinating. :)

kelas tergendala.

2009-08-11T21:56:00.002+08:00

i have no idea what to say. does it take forever to load a video? i've never done it, so i'm not sure. but i've been trying to do just that for the past half hour. i'm officially annoyed that the internet connection in malaysia is still on P3. fuckers.at least, if i remembered the terminology right. i interviewed some gamers some months ago.

mandolin is now sexy. i follow instructions. :)

Suki is too much fun to talk to. i forgot what that was like until this afternoon. an hour and a half of venting, and i felt better. shit,man. i should've done it a lot sooner if i had known it was going to instantly work.

i'm demotivated to do anything.i blame, nothing. maybe myself.

i know what i need to do to fix it, but i can't do it. i don't reserve the right to do it.

the world is small, and it gets smaller with each new friend you make. and each new song you learn to love.

music lovers, i bid you good day and good tunes to you, always.
music shunners, fuck you. that felt good.
music makers, i am wary of you.it's too easy to like you.proceed with caution, or you lose your head.and maybe your heart.

class was in session for all of 5 minutes, before Sexy had to leave. man, that sounds too kinky, even for me.

*senget smile : on.

i have a not-so-kick-ass-surprise. but i like it. syok sendiri kejap.

my heart is quiet.too quiet.
it does not speak,not even a whisper.
it fears for me,but is silenced forever.

take me anywhere.

2009-08-11T02:38:00.004+08:00

i'm thinking of getting a haircut again. i like my sides, so maybe just slope the back of my head. fuck. i fell in love with short hair again. but i've been getting a lot of heat from a bunch of people to keep my hair long,just cause i look more straight this way. but do i really want to? my hair was similar to this:

i miss this hair. but i got a lot of heat for it.

celtic knot.

2009-08-10T23:15:00.002+08:00

i'm learning how to play maps on guitar. who knew i could strum? if i can rock the acoustic guitar, then that means i can play on both hands. jeahh.

but i've got a long way to go before i can do the plucking for that song. i'm starting to write again, and that's a bittersweet thing,sort of. because it's good that i'm writing again, it's bad, because i usually write about sad things.

i think i'll give Aliyah a call tomorrow and drop by her place, to pick up some stuff. then hopefully i'll have time and motivation to swing by Sri Damansara to jump on Yana, maybe hang out with her for abit. i miss her.

i need to renew my license. due 2 months ago. i'm already still illegal,and now i have one more reason to add to that list.

my lips are still swollen and raw from self-chewing. but i still can't stop.

i can't stop thinking about it, and i can't stop smiling about it, and i can't get over how easy it was, and i can't move on from the fact it actually happened, and it feels so surreal that it did happen.

my heart is still an emotional blackhole, the fucking vortex that it really is in disguise, but for a moment, it shrunk. just for a little while. and it felt good, sort of. the consequences were too fucking impossible to deal with, but feeling like an actual human, or at least,pretending to do human things for a few short hours is worth the internal chaos.

i sometimes wonder if i do those things out of boredom, or because i'm actually really a closet sado-masochist,because doing the things i do for the purposes that i do only warrants those kinds of classifications. but i don't fall to either. at least, i don't think so.

i feel less dead when i do them, and it makes the other person feel good, albeit only for a short period of time, but hey,if i can make somebody smile even just for a little while when i myself can't smile like that,at least the world gets... never mind. i don't get it myself.

the mechanics of it are easy. it's easy to fall in, and easier to fall out.i know the mechanics of it, and i test them out,to see if they work. they do.but then i don't know what to do with them when i'm done testing out my theories. i would love to be happy and have a happy ending, but so far, i haven't had it. i know how to get it. but i try it, and the other person thinks they have it, but i don't feel it. case tanked.

the human behaviour amuses me. it's actually very intriguing,to watch a person move in on a target. it's fascinating, to watch a person, working all the angles to score. you actually learn some things if you be with some hot young things for a decent amount of time.

i know some hot young things. i have this theory about beautiful people. i had it since the early days of high school, and it kind of backfired on me when i left high school, but i do believe that there is this elite class, one well above the social hiearchy, the untouchable ones. the beautiful people.

they may not be physically beautiful,they might even wear neon shorts and DIY haircuts, it's their confidence, in themselves, and in how they carry themselves that makes them beautiful. at least to me. the fakes that you see on Klue or Juice, they may be picture pretty or very striking in person, but that could all there is to them. they live to appear in photos at 'uber-exclusive' events and to be with the 'In' crowd. i know some people who are that. they are hideous. the ones in the latest fashion trends. you all look the same. where's the individuality in you? where is the you, the you that you're hiding and surpressing underneath that crap you call a dress?

but then again. what do i know? i wear Macbeth Sara Nolans, and i wear black skinnies. and i have a dyke haircut.i have a million bracelets on my wrist. i'm just like everyone else. aren't i?

i'm just a nobody.

but that's okay, i think. because i know i am going to be somebody's everything one day. and i guess i don't mind the wait.

poker face.

2009-08-10T13:50:00.001+08:00

good night,wisconsin. hello,bed.

letters to you;finch.

2009-08-10T00:38:00.003+08:00

#1. i have discovered i am an acute insomniac/ have onset insomnia.
#2. i smell like Rikhman. i like it on him, not so much on me.
#3. i have been chewing my bottom lip the whole day. now its red and swollen and makes me want to do it more. i slip into that habit when i'm restless about something.
#4. Sienna Miller is no longer hot to me. unless she's lying down on her sofa, showing me her swallow tattoo on the inside of her right wrist.
#5. i need to buy shower gel. this is a personal reminder, ignore this.
#6. subang is officially empty.My Elvises have left the building.
#7. H1N1, doesn't feel real to me. not even with the statistics the papers and my mom have been throwing at me. selsema babi. wth, Yon.haha.
#8.the new people i met don't feel real anymore. why is that? is this the point where i can't differentiate dream and real life? fuck i need sleep.
#9.last night, saw me drift in and out of sleep,and waking up every god forsaken hour. i gave up after 11am. i tried since 4am.
#10. Was supposed to go to KLPAC and watch a (new ) friend be in a play, and watch a friend's play, for Short and Sweet Series, but decided against it when i deduced that it isn't worth the trip into KL,especially since i'd be going alone.
#11. i LOVED it when Rikhman called me his Tegan.
#12. refuse to believe that there will not be a continued legacy of Gabriel Tahou.
#13. have found new motivation towards reaching my rockin' bod goal: i just lost 3kg.
#14.Nothing interesting happened when the girls went to Old Town. i'm thinking they didn't have a special something for that event. ahem.
#15.have to keep an eye out for UITM applications. fuck. this is what i have to resort to.babi.
#16.i thought up a secret code for my wishful messages:

hpmr: i am sorry that i left.but i am not sorry that i took my heart back.
hpsc:be strong.i know you are.against all odds,you are.
hpaa:you are my hero. i think of you in the highest regard, and with my heart bursting pride whilst doing so.
hpsj:god i hope you'll find what you're looking for. it's probably worth all those broken hearts.
hpfs:you have no idea just how much.and i'm terrified, and too shy to show it.and i don't know what to do about it now.i wonder if you will lose this fascination.i hate that you did that song.it's now stuck in my head.
hprr:you are beautiful the way you are.fuck them. they're their own versions of pretty.
hpscc:you're intriguing.but probably dangerous for me to pursue that curiosity just yet.i'll wait awhile.
hpny:you are a nutcase.but s shitload of fun.i love how you are when you're properly inebriated.
hpej:ily.and i just found out you are like me,but have you always known that about me?
hpfa:i have no idea if you are real anymore.that makes me sad.because when you were real, it was near bliss.
hpam:dude,try to gain weight.you're good-looking,but you could score any girl you want, with just a little bit of extra encouragement from your self-confidence that you really need to work on.it's there, just coax it out of you.
hpmk:i liked the way you hug me goodbye.i'm happy i made you feel comfortable enough to give me that kind of goodbye.
hptn:you are so beautiful,it's insane.i think it's wonderful that you're straight, and not curious. what you told me about us was precious to me. i adore you to death. you were so sweet to me.
hpej:they hate you because they can't find a reason to hate you. but stay who you are, because in the end,they'll end up falling in love with you anyway. that's the beauty of you.
hpbj:you used to mean the world to me. now you mean the world to someone else.i hope you are happy,and i sincerely hope you wish me the same,because i do want you to be happy.
hpmy:you are unbearable. i wonder how i've tolerated you.the others wondered too. i was good for you,they said.but you will be the death of me.they said that too. did you take what they said seriously?
hpyr: do you have any idea how hot you are,physically, and how wonderful you are, in person?
hpas:i will forever hold you close to my heart, even if you don't. that sucks.unfortunately for me.
hpsj:baby,i love it when you call me that. because you say it with so much love that i can't stand it.makes me smile everytime.
hpaa:i know you're taking advantage of me. but the thing is,it goes both ways.i know that, do you?
hpdk:i am sure you are a loving person, but i still question your motives. forgive me if i am skeptical, but i rarely ever swallow anything whole.
hpyk:you have been so sweet and caring to me, these past few weeks. don't worry, there will be a girl who won't fuck you over because you're nice.
hpbj: i was 19 when i met you. i'm still illegal.but whatevs. i think i've finally quelled this crush.
hpcd:you warned me about girls.i love you for it. i've been forewarned,dear heart.
hpwj:you are my secret heart of hearts.
hpsz:you're a bum,but you're amazing company.
hpic:the girl that has you will not want anyone else.
hpfr:have faith in women.we are capable of loving as much as we can inspire loathing in your kind.
hpml:things will turn around.it will.if it hasn't, then it's not final yet.

i can't send these letters out,because of many reasons. but the most used reason in my head is that i'm too shy.and terrified to show i care. so it's here, for archiving,meant to be filed,and be put away for a long time.

closer.

2009-08-09T14:21:00.000+08:00

fun.

eminem-beautiful.

ratatat;seventeen years.

2009-08-08T00:54:00.006+08:00

if all the world were mine
i'd give it to you in a heartbeat

In a heartbeat i would give it all to you
+ i wouldn't regret + i would find no
reason to regret.

this was dated December 08. by me.i thought about how giving into love would be like.

we walk this world as time-consuming travelers
and greet each other as familiar strangers.

this was dated 22FEB09. by her. she inscribed this into my book, and in a way, she seared that into my memory bank, of poignant thoughts and quotes.

i think in quotes and the softly spoken word. and as hard as i try, i can't erase her. because i function on quotes, not facts. and that is a very trying thing, sometimes. even more so when you're trying to move on.

smiles and laughter can only go so far in healing. that's what i think. the fetal position is a more likely position that people would take, rather than fighting the pain head on. hiding actually makes you feel better. but that doesn't make you better.not in the slightest bit.

then you're screwed. i am.i was. it seems that way. maybe.sort of. we'll see?

bah. good morning. i'm going to try to sleep now.

pretty boy.

2009-08-08T00:26:00.002+08:00

i want to get these. or these ;

damn recession. you fucking killed my financial wet dreams. fuckin onion.

Imran.

2009-08-07T03:22:00.004+08:00

Jas and i met someone new today. he's tall,dark and lanky. and he's outrageously flirtatious, and he makes sexual insinuations every 5 minutes. it was amusing. he tried to affirm his predictions that i was going home with him at the end of the night. then he ran off to pee again. weak bladder. hahaha

so yeah, we might have found more people to go with us to pride. Jas is somewhat grazed by the fact that i could be somebody's 'plus one', and she now has to find somebody else to jadi her kaki on saturday. then she had to run off to pee again. between the two of them, tonight, they made 20 toilet runs.no joke.

i'm going to pick up Sister in Melaka,later. Jas is coming with me, we'll be leaving after her interview with some law firm. ghoonie something something. i somehow find it amusing, entertaining the idea of a blond Jas, at a desk. doing desk-related things. like filing. haha

it was a good night.. the night was cool, company was great, albeit a little sloshy for coherent speech, but good night nonetheless. i took Sara out, i've missed her so much.

this is Her. Her first day in Melbourne.

i like the smell of soflan.

2009-08-06T17:18:00.003+08:00

i got that damn number dah. if i need to contact, i'll be using a maxis number that ends with a 5. so don't not pick up,okay?

should i go to:
a. rikhman's shag house?
b. stonebay ep launch?
c. najwa's gig at laundry?

or,

should i:
a. stay home and waffle?
b. work on my video edits?
c. look for a job that i desperately need?
d. use my already limited cash to get another haircut?
e.roll over and meow until i miraculously get wads of cash stuffed up my shirt?

babi.babi.babi. i tak suka.

patah.

2009-08-06T13:05:00.002+08:00

i'm broke. i don't like being broke. but i'm going to buy another phone number later, just because i really do need another one, and the situation calls for it, and it's been a long time coming anyway.

Rik: i'll call you petang nanti.
Jas: i'm in a funny predicament. Yaz ajak me go stonebay's ep launch, which i'm curious about, but i want to go to laundry and watch najwa. tell me what your plans are today?
Fra: sayang, if you nak datang my house, just call. i have a strong feeling i takkan keluar rumah pun hari ini.
Mandolin: you're right. i did wait. but you're also right that i was still asleep. you woke me up. :)
Najwa: baby, sunday morning is perfect, i think. have the others called? let's go to old town taipan? *wink
Sha: Love, have you checked out the page yet? are you going? it should be lots of fun actually. bring all your friends from Shout haritu or more if possible. More, is awhsum-er.
Jannah: mwah.
Aziyan: sweets, i miss you, and i hope your days aren't going through another emotional roller coaster again. please say we'll meet soon? ps : i am ecstatic that you play futsal. now i sort of ada gang kalau terfikir nak main futsal.haha
me: pegi mandi la, gila.

bah.i'm this broke. babi.

let's find out if i'm still witty.

2009-08-05T21:38:00.003+08:00

When's the last time you said you were sorry?
**yesterday,on text.

What do you consider a waste of time?
** a lot of things,actually. but i do half those things on that list.

Would you go out with someone right now if they asked?
**ho yeah.but i won't rush out the door. i'll clean up real nice before i assume aloof-mode again.

What's your current mood?
**restless.

What's the first thing you did when you woke up this morning?
**checked outside my window,saw and heard the rain, replied Mandolin's text then went back to sleep.

How often do you take pain medication?
**i usually sleep it off. and still wake up with the pain.but i hate taking meds.they disintegrate in my mouth too fast for me to swallow without tasting it.

Do you sleep with socks on?
**no, but i have a blanket.

Have you ever had to go to court?
**sports courts,yes. mahkamah court,yes also. but that one is a different field altogether. ( did you notice the pun ?)

Do you hate the last person you had a conversation with?
** oh no. i just had 4 year's worth of nagging for not meeting up with them. but i survived the nag! and then we plummeted into a serious conversation of RPG.

Think back to the last person you held hands with, have you kissed them?
** yes, many times.she likes to kiss my neck.

When was the last time you danced?
**really danced? like at a club? probably 2 months ago. idiot dancing, last night.

What is something you like to do when you're down?
**make cliched attempts to cheer myself up.

How often do you tell your mom you love her?
** everytime i end a phone call with her and when i say goodnight.

What are you doing other than this?
**waiting for rikhman to tell me if i can go over to his place tonight.

What girl did you last say i love you to?
**Does my sister count?

What was the last thing you ate?
** Taj Curry House 's Nasi Goreng Cina.

Do you believe that if you want something bad enough, you' ll get it?
**i believe in a lot of things. it doesn't mean they're all true or good for me.

Will you be up before 7am tomorrow?
** haha all too likely.

Is there a person of the opposite gender on your mind?
** yep.

Favorite gatorade flavor?
** there's a purple one right? oh wait, that's that energy drink back in Melb. hmm

Did any particular thing brighten up your day?
**haha. reply text messages. wear my favourite plaid shirt.

Did your last outing involve the police?
**no. but a party i was supposed to go to, did. bahahahaha

When was the last time you were grounded?
** when i was 12. for taking my kid sister on my bicycle to 7 eleven because i wanted to get Slurpee.

When was the last time you got butterflies?
** half hour ago.

When and with who was the last time you went ice skating?
**i was 13 i think.

What's the last movie you watched?
** The Proposal.

Is it easy to make you angry?
**i have no idea.how do i make myself angry?

Do you sing a lot?
** yes.off-key.which is why i do my performances, with a no-audience rule.

Do you prefer to use tape or glue?
** both.

What do you wish you had more of?
** confidence to ask people out and to talk to people.

Don't you hate when people "typ3 liik3 diis"?
** i don't just hate. i terus tak reply.

Who do you sit behind in your math class?
** Bryan and Kirba. both were high most of the time. which made math class fun. and smoky.

What is the BEST type of weather?
** grey and cloudy and breezy.

Do you like it when it snows?
**nope. because then i don't enjoy the cold wind.

Are your ears pierced?
** yes. but i stopped wearing my piercings for awhile.

Who are you very disappointed in right now?
** my stomach. it growls, but i don't feel like eating.

Who's car were you in last?
** Mine. to look for a book i left at a friend's place.

Are you anything like you were at this point last year?
** last year, august. hmmm. i was a whirlwind of activity. nope. not in the very least.

Ever liked someone older than you?
** is there a stronger affirmation than, 'hell yes!' ?

Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?
**no, but i'm hoping i can scratch that off my to-do list soon.

What are you excited about this weekend?
** i have dates this weekend!

What were you doing at 9 am this morning?
**sleep.it was raining. and rain n i have a mutual understanding. she comes, i sleep with her.we keep each other company better this way.

Are you a jealous person?
**not really. if i'm dating someone, i'm usually pretty secure with my feelings for them and vice versa.

Are you happy with life?
** right now, heck yeah.

Who was the last person to ring your doorbell/knock on your door?
** the people that come by my mother's house don't ring bells or knocks. they just yell from the door. we like to leave the door open.

Don't those cute little couples just make you sick?
** the juvenile ones annoy me, but not make me sick.

What did the last piece of jewelry you wore look like?
** latex.i think. [ i know where your train of thought is going, it's not that. ]

What is the last thing you ate made of?
** starch. kan? rice is starch,right?

Do you ever find yourself saying the word "conversate"?
** haha no. but i'll start. it sounds, very.. becoming.

When's the last time you were disappointed?
** when i realized i can't go watch tegan and sara when i originally intended to head down to melb.

Describe what the last brush you used looks like:
**it's got green rubber thingies at the skirt of the head. i think it's to massage your gums.

Do you get your feelings hurt easily?
**i don't get it hurt easily. people usually successfully do that on their own without my help.

If you're of the female persuasion, what color are your nails or toenails?
** what does that mean, of the female persuasion? it's nude, btw.

Do you, or do you know someone who has taken karate lessons?
** yes. me.

Were you ever a boy or girl scout?
**no. but most of the guys i knew were. two became something master.what was it? quartermaster?

How many unread messages did you have last time you picked up your phone?
** 3.

Tell me the song that you last looked up lyrics to:
**KoL - sex on fire

Does anything on you itch right now?
** the ciggie burn on my right toe that Yaz inflicted on me. pastu ada hati mintak number my girlfriend.wth. haha

How many boyfriend/girlfriends have you had?
** 6. i think. i can't tell which ones count and which ones don't.

How old were you when you had the chicken pox?
** i have no idea. i remember the couch that i parked myself on throughout the duration of my chickenpox. it was red with white posies.then my mom made it pink.

What did you last use to write with?
** a Sharpie marker.i drew a blue star.

Would you rather color with colored pencils or crayons?
**crayons. pencils are tedious.

Would you ever feed an alligator if there was a professional with you?
** sure, why not. i'd feed a panther too.and pat its head and call it Bagheera.

Do you personally know anyone who's in a band?
** yes.many. do i need to name them? really?

Are you an air guitarist, an air drummer, or an air pianist?
** i'm an air guitarist when i'm trying to picture in my head what chords the song is using. i usually fail.miserably.

Do you say that you're mad, pissed, ticked, or angry?
**pissed. i use mad when i'm trying to sound Bri'ish.

Do you have any blemishes on your face at the moment?
**no. at least none that i see.

What person do you have the most fun with?
** the ones that can masuk air/insert water/enter water with me.

When was the last time you jumped on a trampoline?
** i think i have, i just don't remember when. or maybe that was a dream.

Have you ever been thrown into a pool when you weren't expecting it?
**yes. and no. i expected it to happen, just i didn't estimate the timing right.

When did you last cut your nails/toenails?
**2 days ago.

Would you rather paint your room puke green, or eat a potato bug?
**puke green. potato bugs are fat, juicy and only meant for things that actually eat that shit.

How many concerts have you been to in your life?
** a few. do gigs count?

Are you cold, hot, or comfortable at the moment?
** i'm feeling sticky.

If you're wearing socks, describe them to me:
** not wearing any. if i was, it'd be black with blue stripes.

What is your favourite and least favorite class period?
**fave would be english lit. least would be agama. my agama teacher makes me sleepy.then she makes me wash my face. then i fall asleep harder.

Is anything close to you purple?
**my latex.

Are you one who misses a lot of school, just because?
** yes. in senior year. school starts at 730, i come at 8. if i siap any later than 730, i don't go.

What are you looking forward to in the next month?
** i have no clue. what's happening in september?

Was the last person you kissed the same person you kissed on New Years?
** i didn't kiss anyone on new year's. boo me.

Is there anyone that you'd love to just spill your guts to?
**haha. guts don't need spilling. take a straw, and suck. easy peasy.

Do you like it when guys cry?
**uhh no. it makes the situation even more awkward.

When was the last time you painted a picture?
** post-high school. there was a brief period whr i would paint stuff and then slap it on my wall.just for fucks.

Does anyone have feelings for you right now?
** what kind, exactly? because everybody has some kind of feelings for everybody.

Are you a person who puts a case on every electronic device you have?
** haha. no. makes things less exciting and edgy. hahaha i have no idea what that means.

Can you drive?
** i drive manual/stick shift?

Does your school offer driver's ed?
** my school offers special ed. for what, i don't really know. but those kids really tore up the school,man.

Why do most surveys direct the questions toward girls?
** do they? i didn't notice.

What brand and flavor was the last gum you chewed?
** mentos. the one with the liquid center. peppermint, i think.

What about the last water you drank?
** teh tarik kurang manis. i just ordered what Yaz ordered.

Do you turn to music to just get away?
** not get away, but get INTO.

Who do you wish you saw more than you do?
** what do i wish what now?ohh. fael and ed and az. all three, together at one table.

Are you happy with your relationship status?
**i'm blase about it.

What did you have for lunch today?
** Nasi Goreng Cina. with cili padi. kinda defeats the purpose of calling it NG Cina if you put cili padi in it, but whatevs. it still tasted good. and better with the cili padi.

What shows do you wish you'd keep up with?
** i haven't gotten a hold of season 6 of L word,and i'm curious about True Blood.

How many myspace/facebook friends do you have?
**FB 300plus. MS, i have no idea.

When was the last time you visited the park?
**2 days ago. for that jog with Jas.

Is myspace or facebook better?
**FB owns MS's ass.

Whose profile do you view most?
**i don't know.whomever i have a thing for, i guess. i swoon, and drool over them, quietly, int he safe vicinity of my dinner table. where the laptop is.

How many people have you kissed during your lifetime?
**romantic kiss or greeting kiss? i don't do either freely. i kiss only ones i like. but i don't know the stats on that one.

Mountain Dew or Sprite?
**sprite.and somehow i'm thinking of tinkerbell.

Chocolate chip or sugar cookie?
**chocolate chip SUGAR cookie!

on tenterhooks.

2009-08-05T20:48:00.002+08:00

ah-ha. i used a big word. ( big word la sangat ) but honestly, i am. should i go over to Rikhman's house? maybe i can convince the whole house to go to pride with me. plus i'm bored and restless staying home.

even though i just got back from lunch with Suki and Ren.

even though i have a video to edit.

even though i should save money to go to pride.

even though i should probably stay home to work on fixing my body clock tonight.

even though i don't have enough strength in my legs to drive my manual car.

i've created enough excuses to discourage me from going over to Rikhman's. i only have one thing to make me want to go:

i miss my best friend.

i was 19.

2009-08-05T12:39:00.003+08:00

Thursday, 28 August 2008

speak in hushed tones,please.

this is the song i don't know to sing
this is the painting i don't know to like
this is the letter i don't know to write
these are the words i know i wished were mine

slow me down, don't let me rush
rush head straight into this unknown
place where unfamiliar things roam
tell me to take my time
i want to get this right.

don't let me kill this.let this live.
let us live.
i think this could work.i think this could be a good thing.for you and me.

maybe it could be perfect.
or it could be a disaster
i don't want to know.
i want to learn.
to like.to live. to trust.
to hate.to love.
to be human.
to feel real.
let me make sense of my life.
so that i can finally be okay with being in yours.

this is an old blog entry from my xanga site. i used to write stuff like this all the time. where did all of it go? did my heart die? because words are used to communicate what the heart feels, and i haven't written in the longest time,so did my heart die?

when i was 19, i handled 4 projects in one month, did a roadshow, met her, tried that, dumped him, got diagnosed with anxiety something something, did something else, and got an epic hangover, and graduated, without a migraine. oh, and i met my 14 year old soulmate.

i had a 6 hour sleep, so i should be able to function right today. hopefully. i didn't get much sleep. there was a lot of tossing and turning. i woke up to the sounds of heavy rain. sounds like my kind of day.

they paid paradise to put up a parking light.

a blip on the radar.

2009-08-05T04:14:00.002+08:00

it's only 420am and i'm browsing the website for more info on Saturday. i've got an idea just who exactly the admin of the website is,but i'll keep the theory to myself for now. so it turns out that i know the DJ that's gonna play on Saturday. which should make the night even more interesting,eh?

watch them. fall in love with Tegan and Sara again.

enchanteur.

2009-08-05T03:19:00.002+08:00

do you think i'm charming? can a girl be charming? is there such a thing as princess charming?

it sounds dumb. Princess Charming, to the rescue.

babi.

Holy shit. taylor momsen's band is not half bad. click here to fall in love with her.
i think i'm a perv. i'm looking at high school girls. damn.

Call me frisky.

2009-08-05T02:15:00.006+08:00

obsession mode on : Pixie Lott's Mama Do on acoustic.

i love this song. and the voice that embodies that song.and the body that the voice embodies. gahahahaha.

today went by eventfully. and i loved every minute of it. except for that one tiny event. otherwise, i was pretty much entertained and emotionally occupied the whole day.

oh apparently i can flirt. apparently.

Yaz posed a very interesting theory of his.this is him.
his theory is, you're UP THERE ,if the same sex are into you. that's what he told me, after i told him about my then-uncancelled date. then he grinned. and showed me ALL his pearly whites. and sat back in his chair, all smug and all.

in our group of friends, he's one of the hot beautiful people. he's got the body to prove it. but the most amazing thing is, he doesn't flaunt it. which i personally think makes him all the more easier to fall in love with. great guy, but stress kalau duduk lama dengan dia. semua lawak bodoh keluar. and the sleazy jokes. which aren't half bad actually.

i grinned a lot to myself today. but only one person knows why. i'd like to keep it that way for awhile.

tomorrow the stalking begins. i'm going to be home the whole day, so if anybody's needing some company can come and bum with me. i'd love the company.sort of. actually right now there's 1 significant company i'd love to explore. but there's time for that later.but if it's sooner then it makes the night all the more fun.

i'm surviving on 3/4 hours sleep for the past 3 nights. the week before that is a huge blur to me. was that the week i was on valium?i don't remember.

went jogging with Jashiput,was on the receiving end of a pep talk the whole run. i love you siput. i'm sorry i didn't call when i got back. do u want to go swimming later? i can finally use that bikini. yeahh.

i love the written word. i haven't written a love note in awhile. or ever. i forget where my memories blanks out. i haven't written on napkins or on my hand for the longest time, and i'm betraying the younger me. i shall begin this today.

Pixie's voice is doing funny things to my insides. and my heart.

what would my mama do, if she knew about me and you?

my Mandolin read my blog today. i'm officially embarassed,but it was a peace offering, and i must keep my end of the treaty. although i think i reserve the right to blush and cringe if any of the content was to be repeated in front of me.hahaha.

(suka hati je kan panggil dia MY Mandolin?)

it's actually very frustrating to have slivers of thought streaming across your head and you can't catch a single thought. hence, the erratic topic hopping and wonderfully smooth conversation flow right now.

i'm lovin' that Jas called me frisky. it seems to fully capture the essence of how i'm feeling/behaving right now. bah humbug. i just found out it just means playful. okay, so maybe not the full essence of my feelings/behaviour, but it's around there.

i want Saturday to come faster.please please please.

squeak squeak.

2009-08-04T08:17:00.003+08:00

who wants to get me either of this?

i now have drive and ambition to have a rockin' bod. credits where is due is to Yaz, who spoke of his like-minded ambition and new year's resolution.

i can do push-ups without collapsing on the floor! hurray!

i must settle this now.today.before my assertiveness dies out and my confidence flees from this person.

tastes like peppermint.

2009-08-04T06:16:00.003+08:00

i just realized my blog kinda reminds me of peppermint ice cream. i want some right now, if its possible.

Yaz gave me a link to cookies and cream protein shake. damn him.

it's 6 in the morning. jas and i are going to jog later.yawwn. i didn't get to sleep, but i got a few winks here and there.

i tried staying in bed since 1am to try to fall asleep.didnt work. but then around 4 someone kept me company, so it didn't suck too much for the last 2 hours.then dia tidur. sigh.

edit:
ohoh dia tak tidur! yeahh.sambung texting!

gimma caffeine now.

2009-08-03T16:26:00.002+08:00

i just got back from a lunch with an old friend. meet fra.

we spent 2 hours talking and catching up. it felt like 2006 again, post high school era.

it's been too long, and too many things to tell and update, we were stumbling through our stories in all the excitement.

but it was good. it's only 430pm, and i'm already sleepy. i think i really am a night owl. the daylight makes me drowsy.

i'm going to make spaghetti meatballs tonight.yummmeh bebeh.

sidenote: i don't like being on frisky mode when i got nobody to get frisky with.bah humbug.

say yes,please.

2009-08-03T13:15:00.002+08:00

date got cancelled. now i have a free afternoon. true to form, i slept at 7plus and woke up at 10.

welcome back,insomnia.

i'm excited about this weekend, padahal nothing's confirmed yet pun.

i had a bizarre dream with this guy that i met up with recently. i woke up with a start. this is what happens when i'm bored and frisky. sigh.

*girl I've been waiting all night for you to dance like me*

hey sexy.

2009-08-02T23:51:00.004+08:00

i just made a new mandolin-wielding friend. the most amazing thing is, i had a thing for this person months ago, but I've only had the misfortune of having only met the person once.

and now i have a phone number! and i think I'm going to kl pride next Saturday. who's coming?

NOTe//
i would kill to do Pixie Lott.

saranghae.

2009-07-31T05:25:00.002+08:00

i have a date with her on Monday! excited gila babi. dah sebulan tak jumpa.

i'm feeling frisky. and now i have a target to focus all this dormant sexy business to. jeahh.somebody's going to be feeling sore soon. *winks all around

oh god, dia hot teramat.

(my bahasa is abit berterabur right now. in my head, i'm wondering if certain short haired girls will hunt me down and bang on my door and i won't live long enough for my long awaited date.)

distract.divert.die lah like this.

despite the new activity buddy( which i know sounds super ominous, but it is what it is), i'm still kind of unstimulated. he's great, tapi, proceed with caution. at least, it's what people keep warning us.

do you get it? people are warning us to NOT "Casanova" each other,because of our track records.

pfft. we hang out because we don't have anyone to hang out with when we have that elusive bit of free time. so we're together most of the time.

but it's interesting to meet someone who has the exact track record as you. we bounce off pick-up lines off of each other. and see who blushes first. :)

who wants to go to heineken green room with me?

castles in the sky.

2009-07-30T12:49:00.002+08:00

my insomnia is somewhat cured, only if i take valium and if i take it at 9 pm. the thing is,though, it FORCES me to sleep a full 9 hours. i feel great, but a huuge chunk of my night is taken away from me and then i tak dapat buat kerja. dah la i ada video yang kena edit.

so this is the question that warrants an immediate answer? do i stay on valium,and get good sleep? or do i get off it, and i get work done?

sleep?work? die. i'm too much of a workaholic to want to lose sleep, but i lost sanity already.

nothing's forever.

2009-07-30T12:37:00.000+08:00

he believes in forever. i don't. she, thinks she loves me. how?